The Psychology of Reliance: When We Lean on Our Advantages

This story explores the psychology of reliance, tracing it from parental love to beauty, talent, and wisdom. It offers a lesson on the impermanence (anicca) of everything we depend upon.

One afternoon at the temple, the sunlight faded gently behind an old bamboo grove. In the meditation hall, as the bell’s resonance just ceased, Venerable Thich Chan Quang looked around at the assembly. He smiled warmly and began to speak slowly.

“Today, we study a very common psychological tendency that anyone can fall into: the psychology of reliance. To rely means to lean on some advantage of yours, which then leads to wrong attitudes and distorted mind/heart states. Those who rely often possess one great strength. As for me, I have nothing to rely on, so I do not worry. But those handsome monks should be quite concerned!”

The entire assembly laughed softly. The teacher continued, his voice deep and warm like a lullaby.

“The greatest form of reliance, the easiest trap to fall into, is the love of our parents. Parental love for their children is instinctive and intense. When a child is hungry or crying, parents soothe them and feed them. When a child misbehaves, parents endure and indulge them. The child does not understand this as love, sacrifice, or generosity. Instead, it sinks deep into the subconscious, leading the child to believe that parents must act this way and must always give in. They fail to see the nobility of such love. Parents who indulge their children are also making mistakes. Most parents love incorrectly, tolerating too much, which forms a deep-seated psychology of reliance in the child.”

The teacher paused, looking each person in the eye, and then shared a story.

“Once, I met a central government official who came to the temple with his son. The father scolded the boy: ‘You are so stubborn! You must learn to respect your father!’ The boy’s face remained blank, saying nothing. Looking at him, I knew immediately that this father had indulged him since childhood, and his wife likely spoiled him too. The boy suffered from a psychology of reliance: he believed it was natural for parents to cater to him and obey his wishes. His character was corrupted; his mind/heart was broken.”

The teacher sighed and continued.

“There is another deep form of reliance present from birth: noble lineage. If one is reborn into a place of power, wealth, and servants, treated with deference from the moment they open their eyes, everyone caters to them, respects them, and obeys them. This psychology of reliance lies deep in the subconscious and is hard to remove. We see this in movies, where sons of wealthy families or officials bully common people, knock over street vendors, and slap others. Why do they dare? Because they rely on their family status. They think they are untouchable, protected by parents even when they err. This reliance kills the soul, causing them to disregard moral principles and laws entirely.”

The teacher spoke slowly, wanting to engrave every word deeply.

“As we grow up, we easily rely on some special affection directed toward us. Everyone has been loved by someone, with promises of intense devotion. But love is highly impermanent (anicca). Some couples break up simply because they relied on being loved, assuming it would last forever. Unexpectedly, after some time, issues arise, and they part ways. Love is the most fragile thing among all we rely on.”

At this point, the teacher looked around, his gaze both stern and compassionate.

“There is a type of reliance everyone is prone to: physical beauty. People with attractive appearances easily gain favor, receive acceptance, and attract flirtation. The words of love spoken to them often exceed reality. I often say that regarding romantic declarations, we should subtract seventy percent, leaving thirty; depreciate another twenty, leaving ten; discount half again, leaving about two percent as accurate. Yet, when we possess beauty, we accept these things uncritically and rely on them. This applies to both men and women.”

The teacher smiled and shared a personal anecdote.

“I experienced this too. As a child, whenever I looked in the mirror, I thought I was very handsome! But then I observed myself and wondered: Do others really see me as beautiful as I do? It turned out to be subjective psychology. Everyone sees themselves as better-looking than they actually are in the mirror. I was lucky to discover this; otherwise, I might have walked around with my nose in the air. There is a Buddhist saying: ‘Seaweed tied to a bridge post looks beautiful if you stare long enough.’ A person may not be truly beautiful, but prolonged observation makes them seem so. That is the danger.”

The teacher shifted his tone, emphasizing his next points.

“Then there is health. Some people stay healthy, playing through the night without issue, while others collapse from fatigue. They rely on their health until suddenly falling ill beyond cure. Talent, skilled professions, playing instruments, or singing well also breed reliance. But the most dangerous is wisdom, intelligence. It cannot be hidden. Doing well in studies, working efficiently, and handling tasks quickly can lead us to look down on others before we even realize it.”

The teacher continued his story.

“When I was young, I was excellent at math, calculating mentally as fast as a machine. When I became a monk, there was a teacher nearby who pressed peanut oil to sell and support his mother. One day, he asked me to help calculate simple additions, subtractions, multiplications, and divisions for customers. I calculated rapidly, thinking it was far too simple. The next day, he came to me, looking sad. ‘Brother, you got everything wrong! I lost money paying out!’ I was surprised and showed him my calculations. ‘No, I calculated correctly,’ I said. He shook his head. ‘All wrong! How could such simple problems be incorrect?’ I checked again and realized I had indeed made errors. Only then did I understand: my intelligence can also fail. I should not rely on it. From that day, I abandoned the attitude of looking down on others.”

The teacher paused, looking at the assembly, his voice dropping low.

“The law of cause and effect (karmic law) is strict. Whatever you rely on, you will lose. Whether it happens quickly or slowly depends on merit, but loss is certain. Love is the easiest to lose. Do not rely on anything—be it beauty, talent, health, wisdom, or family status. All are impermanent (anicca). Live with humility, gratitude, and constant effort in practice.”

**The Meaning of the Story**

The profound lesson the teacher wished to convey is this: The psychology of reliance stems from leaning on one’s advantages, leading to wrong attitudes and negative mind/heart states. It destroys the soul and morality. The law of cause and effect (karmic law) is strict: whatever you rely on, you will lose. Therefore, always remain humble, never look down on others, and practice diligently to overcome all forms of reliance, for everything in this world is impermanent (anicca).

Compiled from the dharma talk of Venerable Thich Chan Quang