The Psychology of Reliance

On a late afternoon at the monastery, golden sunlight stretched across the brick courtyard, and a gentle breeze carried the faint scent of wildflowers. Inside the meditation hall, the bell’s resonance had just faded into silence as everyone sat quietly, facing the teacher. He sat upon his high platform, his gaze kind and encompassing the assembly, before slowly beginning a dharma talk on a very familiar yet often overlooked psychological state: the tendency to rely on one’s advantages.

“What is this reliance?” he asked. “It is when we lean on some superiority or special condition we possess, leading us to adopt wrong attitudes and behaviors. Those who rely on such things usually have a significant advantage. As for me, I have nothing to rely on, so I am not worried. But these handsome young monks should be cautious, for they are prone to this mindset.” A soft ripple of laughter moved through the room, but soon everyone listened with deep attention.

The teacher shared a story about a father and son who visited the temple. The father was a high-ranking official, dignified in bearing, yet when seated beside his son, who was perhaps eighteen or twenty years old, he appeared remarkably humble. The young man sat coldly, occasionally snapping with irritation. Turning to the teacher, the father spoke with helplessness: “Venerable sir, my son is stubborn and does not respect me. He listens to his friends more than to his own father.” The teacher looked at the youth and saw that part of the fault lay with the father. By indulging him since childhood, catering to every meal and sleep need, the child had absorbed into his subconscious the belief that parents must always yield to him. This corruption began in the mind, rooted deeply in that early conditioning.

He continued his teaching: “A parent’s love is the most intense instinct. When a child cries, we comfort; when they act out, we indulge. The child does not understand this as sacrifice or generosity, but assumes it is their right. They fail to see the nobility within that love. Parents often err by loving incorrectly, and excessive pampering fosters a profound psychology of reliance.”

Pausing, the teacher looked around, his voice dropping lower. “Reliance also stems from noble lineage. If one is born into power, wealth, and servitude, they are pampered and obeyed from the moment they open their eyes. That mindset becomes entrenched and difficult to unravel. Such people may bully the weak, knock over street vendors, or strike others when displeased. All these actions violate the law, yet they persist because of reliance. They believe themselves untouchable, protected by parents whenever they err. This reliance kills the soul, causing them to disregard moral principles and laws alike.”

Then he addressed a form of reliance everyone has experienced: “As we grow up, we easily rely on the special affection someone holds for us. At first, there is great love and solemn vows. But when deception is discovered, we fall from grace. In Western customs, a man kneels to offer a ring during a proposal, establishing from the start that he is in a subordinate position. This is why, in many Western families, the wife becomes the head of the household. Elsewhere, men may rely on physical strength or economic provision to oppress women and cause domestic violence. As society progresses and laws protect women, the dynamic can reverse—sometimes the husband is bullied rather than the wife.”

The teacher smiled gently, looking down at the assembly. “Reliance is a dangerous psychological disease. It causes us to lose effort, gratitude, and the ability to stand on our own feet. Those who rely often blame circumstances or others, forgetting that they must change themselves. To overcome this, we must learn to reflect inwardly, live independently, appreciate what we have, and strive upward in all conditions.”

The afternoon light gradually faded, and the temple bell rang again, closing the talk in stillness. Each person present examined their own heart, asking if they had ever relied on such advantages, and resolving to make changes starting today.

The Meaning of the Story

The profound lesson conveyed by Venerable Thich Chan Quang is that the psychology of reliance is a dangerous spiritual ailment. It leads people to depend on their personal advantages—parental love, lineage, power, or romantic affection—to behave wrongly, gradually losing their true selves. To live well, we must recognize and transcend this reliance, cultivating independence, gratitude, and continuous self-improvement.

Compiled from the dharma talk of Venerable Thich Chan Quang