Two Paths of the Word "Self"

Distinguishing between self-confidence and self-righteousness through the lens of ethics and wisdom, along with lessons on self-respect in daily life.

On a late autumn afternoon, a gentle breeze swept through the trees before the lecture hall, carrying the ripe scent of milk flowers. In the large assembly sat a middle-aged man in the middle row, his brows furrowed as if deep in thought. He had just endured a heated argument with his close friend that morning, sparked by a single sentence: "You are wrong, I am right." Both insisted they were correct, and eventually, his friend walked away, leaving him with an unappeasable resentment.

He did not know that his story was precisely the topic the teacher intended to discuss in today’s dharma talk. For ages, people have often confused two things that seem similar but are actually worlds apart: self-confidence and self-righteousness.

"The character 'thị' in Sino-Vietnamese means 'correct,'" the teacher began slowly, his kind gaze sweeping over the assembly. "'Thị phi' refers to right and wrong. Self-righteousness means believing oneself to be absolutely correct. Self-confidence also involves believing one is right. On the surface, these two views look identical, but when we delve into psychology and ethics, they are completely opposite."

The middle-aged man froze. He recalled this morning’s quarrel. What had he been thinking when he stubbornly defended his viewpoint? Had he truly listened to his friend, or was he merely searching for arguments to refute them? He was no longer sure.

"A self-righteous person," the teacher continued, "is intensely subjective. They conceive an idea and cling to it tightly, refusing to listen to any objective arguments. They argue with anyone who speaks and dismiss any advice given. They walk around arrogantly, believing themselves to be absolutely right."

The teacher paused and offered an example that silenced the entire assembly: "As you can see, human civilization progresses day by day. Some believe science and technology will lead humanity to supreme happiness. Others assert firmly that it will lead to destruction. Both groups stubbornly hold their opinions, refusing to listen to anyone else. This is the disease of self-righteousness. In reality, many other factors must be considered. If humans timely supplement this progress with ethics and spirituality, this civilization will lead us to perfection. But if we only indulge in material enjoyment, it will certainly lead to extinction. We need additional arguments to achieve objectivity."

The middle-aged man felt his heart tighten. He suddenly realized that during this morning’s debate, he had never once allowed himself to listen to his friend finish a sentence. He had only waited for his friend to stop speaking so he could jump in and rebut. The feeling of "I am right" was so sweet and comfortable that he did not want to let go of it.

"So how do we distinguish between self-confidence and self-righteousness?" The teacher seemed to read his mind. "It depends on ethics and wisdom. A self-confident person is gentle, does not despise others, and respects everyone. A self-righteous person is arrogant and criticizes everyone they meet. A self-confident person is clear-sighted and understands everything clearly. A self-righteous person often sees things incorrectly and distortedly. Only wisdom reveals the truth, and only the truth gives us the strength to make firm decisions."

The teacher shared another story: "When encountering a charity group, some might claim they are frauds, criticizing them for using only a small portion of funds to aid the poor. But someone else went there personally, eating, living, and working alongside them. That person witnessed firsthand that their work was entirely altruistic. When hearing others slander that charity group, that person argued back thoroughly and decisively. Where did that strength come from? It came from reason, from the truth they had witnessed with their own eyes. The truth gives us the strength to defend until the end. That is self-confidence."

The middle-aged man suddenly felt relieved. He realized that his stubbornness this morning did not stem from the truth, but only from an ego wanting to prove itself right. He had not gathered enough facts to affirm anything, yet he had hastily concluded and defended that conclusion to the end.

"Self-righteousness leads to obstinacy; self-confidence leads to steadfastness. Externally, they look identical. But whenever we are wrong, people call us stubborn. When we are right, people praise our stance. Only the truth can distinguish between them."

The teacher shifted to another word: "And what about self-respect? If understood literally, one might think it means respecting oneself. But that is not quite right. Self-respect is preserving one’s dignity by avoiding wrongdoing, so that others do not look down upon us."

The teacher presented a very ordinary image: "Suppose you are thirsty and pass by a star apple tree heavy with fruit, its branches hanging low. The homeowner is not strict, and neighborhood children occasionally pick some. Picking one fruit to quench your thirst might not seem like a big deal. But a person with self-respect still does not pick it. Why? Because they fear others might think they are stealing. That is self-respect—preserving one’s value by maintaining ethics and precepts, ensuring one does not bring shame upon oneself."

The middle-aged man remembered times he stopped by the roadside to buy fruit, casually picking a sample from someone’s garden without asking permission. He always told himself, "The homeowner probably won’t notice." But now, listening to the teacher, he understood that this mindset of "not noticing" was actually a laxity in preserving his own dignity.

"Let us remember one thing," the teacher emphasized. "Do we ourselves want to be good or bad? Good, right? Those around us feel the same way; everyone wants to be a good person, no one wants to be bad. When we see others doing something that seems incorrect, do not rush to condemn them. Deep down, that person also wants to be good; they likely acted that way due to some minor mistake or confusion."

The teacher paused, lowering his voice. "When we frequently think ill of others, we damage our own merit. Someone says a few words or makes a gesture, and we quickly conclude. These conclusions are too subjective; nine and a half out of ten times, they are wrong. Through the lens of a self-righteous person, a beautiful soul can be viewed as a terrible being devoid of ethics. It is truly frightening."

The middle-aged man bowed his head. He recalled the times he criticized colleagues and neighbors based on trivial gestures. He had never put himself in their shoes, nor tried to understand why they acted that way. He had only hastily labeled them with negative tags.

The dharma talk ended under the pale golden light of the setting sun. The middle-aged man stepped out of the lecture hall, feeling unusually light. He took out his phone and drafted a message to his friend from that morning: "I’m sorry. I didn’t listen. Let’s meet again to talk properly."

He knew that the path to seeking truth is not about stubbornly holding onto one’s ego, but about humbly opening one’s heart to the truth. And only the truth, nothing else, gives us the real strength to stand firm.

**The Meaning of the Story**

Self-confidence and self-righteousness appear similar on the surface—both involve believing one is right—but their natures are vastly different. Self-confidence stems from truth and reason, while self-righteousness stems from illusion and subjectivity. To avoid the disease of self-righteousness, we must remain humble, listen to objective arguments, and preserve our dignity through ethics—that is true self-respect.

Compiled from the dharma talk by Venerable Thich Chan Quang