Confidence or Conceit? Distinguishing Clearly to Live with Peace of Mind

Have you ever wondered: when you assert something, are you being confident or conceited? When someone misunderstands you, do you react strongly out of self-respect or out of self-love? The words beginning with "self" in our language may seem similar, yet they contain entirely different inner worlds. Let us join Venerable Thích Chân Quang in exploring these subtle differences so that we may live with greater peace of mind and happiness.

Confidence and Conceit: The Fragile Boundary Between Truth and Illusion

In his talk number twenty-three on "The Words of Self," the Venerable focused on distinguishing two concepts that seem identical: confidence and conceit. Both involve believing oneself to be right, but one arises from what is true and just, while the other arises from the subjective ego.

The Venerable explains that conceit is when we cling tightly to a personal opinion, refusing to listen to other objective reasoning. For example, two people look at the progress of science and technology: one believes it will bring humanity to the heights of happiness, while the other believes it will lead humankind to destruction. If both stubbornly insist that their opinion is the truth, with no openness to learning, then both have fallen into the disease of conceit.

"Conceit comes from the illusion of thinking we are right. Confidence comes from truth giving us the strength to be certain, to be resolute, to affirm."

Confidence, by contrast, is a strength that comes from truth and justice. When we have clear wisdom, tested through real experience, we can affirm something with calmness and steadiness. The Venerable gives the example of a charity group rumored to be fraudulent. Someone who comes close to them, interacts with them, and lives alongside them sees with their own eyes the sincerity and effectiveness of the work being done. When hearing the gossip, that person defends the charity to the end, not out of stubbornness, but with the strength of truth and justice. That is confidence.

How can we tell the difference? The Venerable points out that we should look at a person's ethics and wisdom. Someone who regularly respects others, who is gentle and clear-minded, usually speaks from confidence. Conversely, someone who is arrogant, quick to criticize, and sees everything in a distorted way speaks only from conceit.

Self-Respect and Self-Love: Guarding Dignity Through Ethics or Through Ego?

The difference between self-respect and self-love is just as subtle. We often mistakenly assume that self-respect means "respecting ourselves," but that is not actually the case. Venerable Thích Chân Quang explains that self-respect means preserving our dignity by not doing wrong, so that no one looks down on us. A person with self-respect has ethics, has a sense of shame and honor, and knows how to feel remorse. Self-love, on the other hand, is an overly sensitive reaction when we are insulted, denied, or looked down upon, whether we are right or wrong.

To make this clear, the Venerable tells a story about a poor person passing by a starfruit tree and picking fruit to quench their thirst. This is not terribly wrong, but a person with self-respect would not pick the fruit, fearing to be seen as a thief. A person lacking self-respect would simply take it. This shows that self-respect is a form of inner discipline, an ethical principle we set for ourselves.

"Self-respect is not about respecting ourselves, but about preserving our own value through ethics, so that others cannot despise us."

The Venerable also raises the situation of being misunderstood. When you visit a friend's home and the host loses five million, politely asking you to return it, and you did not take it yet stand accused, a person with self-respect will listen and gently say they did not take it, without wavering. A person of self-love will fly into a rage, swearing and cutting off the friendship. The person of self-love feels their ego has been hurt and threatened, and they react to protect that ego, not out of justice. The person with self-respect, whose dignity is built on a foundation of ethics, stands so firm that nothing can take it away.

Where Do the Diseases of Conceit and Self-Love Lead?

The Venerable warns that conceit leads to arrogance and contempt for others. When we believe we are right, we assume others are wrong, and so we look down on them. Arrogance and contempt will collapse our merit, because others will respond with disdain. Self-love is the root of clinging to self, leading to endless suffering when we become entangled in our small ego. People of power and influence can strip those without self-respect of all composure, turning them into flatterers and beggars. The Venerable advises that if we stand before someone powerful and feel small, collapsed, and eager to flatter, that is a sign of a moral life that has not been carefully cultivated.

Be a Person of Confidence, Self-Respect, Self-Mastery, and Self-Awareness

In life, each of us carries both good seeds and bad seeds. We can be confident, yet at times conceited. We can have self-respect, yet at times fall into self-love. What matters is recognizing when these states arise, so we can correct what is bad and preserve what is good. With wisdom, we can distinguish right from wrong. With ethics, we gain the inner strength to stay far from the diseases of conceit and self-love. And on the path of seeking truth, let us always remember that even great figures make mistakes, so we must keep a humble mind/heart and never assume we are completely right.

The Word "Self" in the Light of Practice

In truth, the difference between these words of "self" is the difference between the path of ignorance and the path of enlightenment. Confidence, self-respect, self-mastery, self-awareness, and self-composure are qualities nurtured by truth, compassion, and wisdom. Conceit, self-love, self-satisfaction, ego-centeredness, and self-conceit all arise from ignorance and craving. When we see this clearly, we know how we must practice in order to transform a little more each day. Let us practice letting go of the ego a little, adding more compassion, so that our belief becomes a belief rooted in truth, and our dignity is protected by noble ethics. That is truly the path of peace and happiness.

Homage to our original teacher, Shakyamuni Buddha.