The Whole Family Goes Forth: Why a Buddhist Disciple Never Lives at Peace

Have you ever felt pulled in two directions: on one side, the longing for family, career, and possessions; on the other, the yearning for enlightenment, letting go, and the spiritual path? If so, congratulations—you are a sincere Buddhist disciple. Because as Thầy Thích Chân Quang once said:

On one side are the worldly aspirations... On the other is the ideal of enlightenment and liberation... These two oppose each other, yet they coexist within our mind/heart. Every Buddhist disciple goes through this completely.

That inner struggle is precisely the sign of someone who has truly entered the path of practice. In the dharma talk "The Whole Family Goes Forth," Thầy tells the story of Elder Damika—a layperson who wished to ordain but was delayed by his wife time and again. Finally, he resolutely left, attained realization through practice, and twenty years later returned to guide his wife and son to ordain as well. The Buddha praised him: he did not use unwholesome means to benefit himself, did not crave children or wealth, and practiced morality and wisdom.

The Five Crossroads of a Practitioner

On the path of practice, everyone must face five situations.

Both mind/heart and circumstances are favorable: That person ordains, shaves their head, dons the robes, and spends their whole life seeking enlightenment.

The mind/heart is ready but circumstances are not: The aspiration to practice has prevailed, but the family obstructs, or leaving would cause others to suffer hunger. In that case, one must not go.

The mind/heart is not ready but circumstances are favorable: The parents are willing to let their child ordain, but the child cannot bear to renounce the worldly life.

Neither is favorable: Then one simply remains a layperson.

Special case: The mind/heart is resolute and circumstances are favorable, yet due to some vow, the person remains a layperson, living a holy life.

Those in the fifth situation are truly admirable. They have the conditions to ordain but sacrifice themselves to stay. Thầy Chân Quang shares: their bodies remain in the world, but their way of life and their spirit are no different from those who have ordained.

They eat vegetarian food, sit in meditative concentration, bow to the Buddha, and devote themselves to Buddhist work. Thầy grants them the same regard as monastics.

Buddhizing the Family: Do Not Enjoy It Alone

After attaining realization, Elder Damika brought the Dharma home to guide his wife and child. The Buddha praised him as one wholly devoted to the Buddha's teachings (Dharma). We Buddhist laypeople should learn from his example. Do not practice quietly all by yourself. Thầy reminds us: if we love the Buddha's way, if we know that the Buddha's teachings (Dharma) are righteous and sublime, are the truth, then we have no right to enjoy them alone.

For if we enjoy them alone, we commit the fault of stinginess, and in future lives we will encounter the Buddha's teachings (Dharma) late—perhaps only hearing them at sixty years of age.

Unwholesome Means: Love Must Walk with Wisdom

Many people believe that as long as there is love in the heart, whatever they do is right. But if we use unwholesome means to help someone, we will bear the karma. Thầy tells a story: a Buddhist wanted to gift him an electric blanket, and seeing the shop had only one left—already reserved by someone else—pretended to be that person in order to buy it. Thầy lay in that blanket and could not rest. Do not benefit others through unwholesome means—that is the point.

Not Craving Children and Wealth

The verse teaches us not to crave children. This fits well with the state of the global population. But there are also those who do not want children out of irresponsibility—that is the bad kind of person. As for one who has let go of craving and attachment, there is no longer any longing. The same goes for wealth. Wealth is an illusion of pleasure, for we could never spend it all anyway.

A person of virtue and wisdom, upon suddenly coming into much money, feels burdened rather than joyful, worrying about how to spend it rightly. Thus, the pleasure of wealth simply fades away in a heart that has tasted even a little liberation.

Morality and Wisdom: Two Lamps Illumining Each Other

Morality and wisdom always support each other. Without wisdom, one cannot tell right from wrong; without morality, one cannot act rightly. That is why, in the first thirteen years after founding the Sangha, the Buddha did not establish the monastic rules, because the noble ones already knew on their own. Only when someone who had not yet attained realization committed a violation did he lay down a rule. Wisdom makes a person know that this is right and this is wrong. Morality turns that knowing into action, so that one does only what is right and does not do what is wrong.

Few Reach the Other Shore

At a grand festival, people gathered to make offerings and invited the Buddha to teach the Dharma through the night. The full moon shone brilliantly, and the atmosphere was joyful. Yet after only a short while, one person missed his wife, another grew sleepy, another felt hungry, and another began thinking of household matters—one by one, they left. The Buddha saw this and said: Few among humanity reach the other shore; the rest run in circles on this very shore.

The other shore is liberation, is nirvana. But only those who devote themselves wholeheartedly to practicing the true Dharma can cross the dangerous net of Mara.

Let us begin today, beginning with our own family. Do not let yourself keep circling on the old shore. And if conditions (dependent origination) allow, bring your whole family across to the other shore, as Elder Damika did. That is the most precious gift you can give to those you love.