Loneliness: A Gentle Pain and the Happiness of a True Kindred Spirit

A writer once lamented, “He walks through a crowd of people, yet it feels like walking through a desert.” This sentence touches upon a sentiment that everyone has experienced at some point. Even amidst a throng of people, we often feel lost, as if no one truly understands us. This is loneliness—a pain, but a gentle one. As Venerable Thich Chan Quang begins his dharma talk, he notes, “Loneliness is a pain, but an interesting kind of pain.” Today, let us look deeply into this feeling to understand ourselves better, learn to befriend our own mind/heart, and cherish those who are true kindred spirits.

Loneliness and Solitude: Two Different Sufferings (Dukkha)

We often confuse the terms “solitude” and “loneliness.” According to Venerable Thich Chan Quang, these two concepts are entirely different. He explains, “Solitude refers to the physical state, while loneliness refers to the mental state.”

Solitude occurs when we are physically alone—living by ourselves, having few social interactions, or being forced into separation. Some voluntarily choose a life of solitary retreat, such as monks entering secluded meditation; this is voluntary solitude. However, loneliness is a state of the mind. A person can stand in the middle of a crowd, yet no one understands their good intentions or private feelings. “Loneliness only implies healthy states; it does not involve negative traits.”

Those who feel lonely are not schemers. They are often pure-hearted individuals who simply have too few people who truly understand them.

Walking Among Crowds Yet Still Feeling Alone

There is a type of loneliness that stems not from physical isolation, but from spiritual disconnection. It arises when you wish to share something good, but no one cares, or worse, they become jealous. You contemplate a great ideal, but those around you see it as distant and unrealistic. Venerable Chan Quang shares the story of a student who dreamed of researching a cure for HIV. He silently sought resources but dared not speak of it, fearing ridicule. This is a form of loneliness—the loneliness of someone whose vision transcends their era. “Sometimes, loneliness arises because one’s thoughts are so far ahead of the times that no one can keep up.”

The teacher cites historical figures such as Ho Quy Ly and Wang Anshi. These were reformers who were rejected by their own contemporaries. They died in loneliness and poverty, and only centuries later did people recognize their value.

Kindred Spirits: Those Who Understand and Support Us on Life’s Path

The opposite of loneliness is having a kindred spirit. A kindred spirit is someone who “understands your virtues and supports you.” The teacher shares the story of Bao Shuya and Guan Zhong—two friends from the same time period. One served as a general helping the king, while the other had once been an enemy. When the king asked Bao Shuya to recommend a prime minister, Bao Shuya suggested Guan Zhong, his former enemy. Friends were surprised, noting that Guan Zhong had retreated during battles, fled first after victories, and taken the largest share of rewards. But Bao Shuya understood: Guan Zhong was not cowardly; he stayed back to care for his elderly mother. He was not greedy; he wanted to provide for her. “To have someone who understands you so deeply—is that not precious? It is beyond precious.”

This is true kinship: judging not by external appearances, but by understanding the hidden good motives. In life, finding such a person is the greatest happiness. Some are even willing to sacrifice themselves for a kindred spirit. Like Jing Ke, who acted out of a misunderstanding of affection, though he ultimately failed because he could not see the true nature of evil. Therefore, a kindred spirit must be someone who understands and values your true worth, rather than blindly praising misguided ideas.

How the Buddha's Teachings (Dharma) Help Us Overcome Loneliness

In Buddhism, loneliness is not something to fear. A genuine disciple of the Buddha must be compassionate and altruistic, actively helping others, while also remaining light and detached from worldly concerns. The teacher emphasizes, “A person who truly understands the Buddha's teachings (Dharma) must first be highly moral, deeply loving, and live well with everyone.”

If we focus solely on meditative concentration and chanting sutras while remaining cold to those around us, we are not yet true disciples. To escape samsara (cycle of rebirth), we must be kind to this life. Loneliness can also be an opportunity to turn inward and reflect on ourselves. The teacher advises: when you find little support, do not hastily assume you are ahead of your time. Evaluate yourself objectively and pray for the Buddha’s blessings to gain correct self-awareness. “We must remain objective in assessing ourselves. Do not assume superiority just because others do not support you.”

Sometimes, loneliness is not due to our brilliance, but because we are mistaken, arrogant, or lack the right conditions (dependent origination) to connect with others.

Become a Kindred Spirit for Others

If you are experiencing loneliness, know that this pain can be the source of deep understanding. If you are not lonely, you have the opportunity to become a kindred spirit for others. Practice listening, empathizing, and trusting in the goodness within every person. Do not rush to judge based on outward appearances, for sometimes their flaws are merely dust covering a noble soul. Open your heart like Bao Shuya, and be generous like a true friend. By doing so, you will not only soothe the loneliness of others but also find yourself. You will realize that in this world, no one need truly be alone if they know how to live with kindness. Namo Amitabha Buddha.